At some point in our lives，almost every one of us will have our heart broken.
在我们生命中的某些时刻，基本上每个人都心碎过。
Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.
我的一位病人名叫凯西，中学的时候就开始计划她的婚礼。
She would meet her future husband by age 27，
她想着能在27岁遇见她的丈夫，
But when Kathy turned 27. she didn’t find a hushand，
但是当她27岁时并没有找到合适的结婚对象，
She found a lump in her breast.
她乳房里发现了肿块.
She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and
Painful surgeries，she recovered.
她乳房里发现了肿块，于是经历了几个月艰难的化疗和痛苦的手术，最后康复了。
Soon afterwards，she met Rich and fell in love.
不久之后，她遇见了里奇，并且坠入了爱河。
The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.
这段感情特别完美，就像她所期望的那样.
After a lovely weekend in New England，Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic Restaurant.
他们在新英格兰度过了美妙的周末，里奇在他们最心仪的浪漫餐厅预定了位置.
Kathy knew he was going to propose.
凯西心里清楚，他要向她求婚了。
But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.
但是里奇那晚没有求婚...
Five months after the breakup，Kathy still couldn’t stop thinking about Rich.
凯西心碎了,五个月后，凯西仍然不能忘掉里奇。
The question is--
Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman, unable to marshal the same emotional resources. That got her through four years of cancer treatments？
问题是：
为什么这个及其坚强有意志力的女性，
不能像从前那样有意志力。
她曾经坚强地挺过了四年的癌症治疗…
In over 20 years of private practice，I have seen people of every age and background，face every manner of heartbreak.
我开私人心理诊所超过20年了。见过各个年龄层，各个背景的人士，各式各样的心碎。
We know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on.
我们从心碎人群调差中发现：能理解这段关系为什么会结束很重要，可以帮我们走出来向前看。
Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain，our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.
心碎引起我们巨大的情绪痛苦，因此直觉告诉我们，肯定是同等程度的原因才会这样。
Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic get away with Rich that soured him on the relationship.
凯西坚信在她和里奇这次浪漫之旅期间，一定发生什么事情了，使里奇对他们的关系感到厌。
and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was going through every minute of that weekend in her mind，searching her memory for clues that were not there.
于是她就一直在找原因，反复的回忆那个周末的每一分每一秒，一直在寻找那些根本不存在的线索。
A reasonThere is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another.
有一个原因可以解释：为何我们总是重蹈覆辙。
Brain studies have shown：
That the withdrawal of romantic love Activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated When addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.
关于大脑的研究表明：
从爱情抽身：
所触发的大脑的机制
与戒除可卡因 鸦片之类的毒瘾所触发的机制相同
And if your heart is broken，you cannot ignore that.
如果你的心受到了伤害，你不能忽视它。
You have to recognize that，as compelling as the urge is，
你必须承认，这些充满强迫性的冲动，
With every trip down memory lane，every text you send，
像是每一次回忆，每一封你发出去的短信，
Every second you spend stalking your ex on social media，
花在社交媒体上跟踪你前任的每一秒，
You are just feeding your addiction and complicating your recovery.
都只是在满足你的“毒瘾”，使你的康复过程困难重重。
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey，
修复心灵的创伤不是一次旅行，
It’s a fight，and your reason is your strongest weapon.
而是一场战斗，你的动力就是你最强大的武器。
You have to be willing to let go，
你必须心甘情愿的放手，
Otherwise，your mind will feed on your hope and set you back.
否则，你本能的但是错误的想法将会给你希望，让你回到痛苦的状态。
One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken
一个我们在内心受伤时通常会产生的心理：
is to idealize the person who broke it.
就是把伤害我们的那人理想化。
We spend hours remembering their smile.
我们花很多时间去回忆他们的微笑
How great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.
他们让我们感觉多么的棒，和那些去山上远足，在星空下做爱的美好时光。
All that does is make our loss feel more painful.
所有的这些让我们的失去变得痛苦...
And so to avoid idealizing，you have to balance them out.
所以为了避免把他们理想化，你必须平衡他们的形象。
By remembering their frown，not just their smile，
想想他们的皱眉，而不仅仅是微笑，
The fact that after the lovemaking，you got lost coming down the mountain.
想想在做爱完事以后，你在下山时迷路了的事实，
Argued like crazy and didn’t speak for two days.
想想疯狂的争吵，两天谁也不理谁，
What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you，all the bad qualities.
我告诉我的患者去写一份详尽的列表，列出那人是怎样的不适合你，还有那人所有的坏品质。
And then keep it on your phone.
然后把这份列表存在你的手机。
And once you have your list，
一旦你有了这个列表，
When I hear even a hint of idealizing of the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session，
当我发现一点理想化的迹象，或者是对话中流露出一点微弱的思念，
I go，“Phone，please.”
我就说，请看手机。
And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that,
如果你想要摆脱伤心，你就要提醒自己这些。
语易教育，天天学英语
