P119 结实系带需经火炼
受伤过的人带刺，为了保护自己。
Winnicott explains that when a child has been deprived of proper parental nurturing, and is then granted a chance of this in a healthy family environment, such as with an adoptive or foster family, the child begins to develop unconscious hope. But fear is associated with this hope. When a child has been so devastatingly disappointed in the past, with even basic emotional or physical needs unsatisfied, defenses arise. These are unconscious forces that protect the child against the hope that may lead to disappointment. The defenses, maintains Winnicott, explain the presence of hatred. The child will “act out” in an outburst of anger against the new parental figure, expressing hatred and, in turn, invoking hatred from the carer. He termed the behavior an “antisocial tendency.”
温尼科特解释说，当一个孩子被剥夺了适当的父母养育，然后在一个健康的家庭环境中获得了这样的机会，比如在一个收养或寄养家庭中，孩子开始发展出无意识的希望。但恐惧是与这种希望相关的。当一个孩子在过去遭受了毁灭性的失望，甚至连基本的情感或身体需求都没有得到满足时，就会产生防御心理。这些是无意识的力量，它们保护儿童免受可能导致失望的希望的影响。温尼科特认为，这些防御措施解释了仇恨的存在。孩子会 "表现出来"，对新的父母角色大发雷霆，表达憎恨，反过来也会引起照顾者的憎恨。他将这种行为称为 "反社会倾向"。
According to Winnicott, for a child who has suffered, the need to hate and be hated is deeper even than the need for rebellion, and the importance of the carer tolerating the hate is an essential factor in the healing of the child. Winnicott says that the child must be allowed to express the hatred, and the parent must be able to tolerate both the child’s and their own hatred as well.
根据温尼科特的观点，对于一个受苦的孩子来说，仇恨和被仇恨的需要甚至比反叛的需要更深，而照顾者容忍仇恨的重要性是治愈孩子的一个基本因素。温尼科特说，必须允许孩子表达仇恨，而父母也必须能够容忍孩子和他们自己的仇恨。
The idea may be shocking, and people may struggle with the notion that they feel hatred rising within them. They may feel guilty, because the child has been through such difficulties already. Yet the child is actively behaving hatefully toward the parent, projecting past experiences of being neglected and ignored onto present-day reality.
这个想法可能会令人震惊，人们可能会与他们感到仇恨在他们内心升起的概念作斗争。他们可能会感到内疚，因为孩子已经经历了这样的困难。然而，孩子正在积极地对父母采取仇恨的行为，将过去被忽视和忽略的经历投射到今天的现实中。
The child of a broken home or without parents, Winnicott says, “spends his time unconsciously looking for his parents” and so feelings from past relationships are displaced onto another adult. The child has internalized the hate, and sees it even when it is no longer present. In his new situation, the child needs to see what happens when hatred is in the air. Winnicott explains: “What happens is that after a while a child so adopted gains hope, and then he starts to test out the environment he has found, and to seek proof of his guardian’s ability to hate objectively.”
温尼科特说，破碎家庭的孩子或没有父母的孩子，"花时间无意识地寻找他的父母"，因此过去关系中的感受被转移到另一个成年人身上。孩子已经内化了仇恨，即使它不再存在，也会看到它。在他的新情况下，孩子需要看到当仇恨在空气中出现时会发生什么。温尼科特解释说。"发生的情况是，过了一段时间，一个如此被收养的孩子获得了希望，然后他开始测试他所找到的环境，并寻求他的监护人客观上的仇恨能力的证明。"
There are many ways for a child to express hatred and prove that he or she is indeed not worthy of being loved. This worthlessness is the message that was imparted by earlier, negative parental experiences. From the child’s point of view, he is attempting to protect himself from the risk of ever having to feel love or to be loved because of the potential disappointment that accompanies that state of being.
孩子有很多方法来表达仇恨，证明他或她确实不值得被爱。这种不值得是早期父母的负面经验所传授的信息。从孩子的角度来看，他正试图保护自己，使自己永远不会有感受到爱或被爱的风险，因为伴随着这种状态的潜在失望。
Dealing with the hatred
处理仇恨的问题
The emotions that the child’s hatred invokes in the parents, as well as in the child’s teachers and other authority figures, are very real. Winnicott believes that it is essential that adults acknowledge these feelings, rather than deny them, which might seem easier. They also need to understand that the child’s hatred is not personal; the child is expressing anxiety about his previous unhappy situation with the person who is now at hand.
孩子的仇恨在父母以及孩子的老师和其他权威人士中唤起的情绪是非常真实的。温尼科特认为，成年人必须承认这些情感，而不是否认它们，因为否认它们似乎更容易。他们还需要理解，孩子的憎恨不是针对个人的；孩子是在表达对他以前与现在的人的不愉快处境的焦虑。
What the authority figure does with their own hatred, of course, is of critical importance. The child’s belief that he or she is “bad” and unworthy of being loved must not be reinforced by the response from the adult; the adult must simply tolerate the feelings of hatred and realize that these feelings are part of the relationship. This is the only way the child will feel secure and be able to form an attachment.
当然，权威人士如何处理他们自己的仇恨，是至关重要的。孩子认为他或她是 "坏的"，不值得被爱的信念不能被成人的反应所强化；成人必须简单地容忍仇恨的感觉，并认识到这些感觉是关系的一部分。这是孩子感到安全并能够形成依恋的唯一途径。
No matter how loving a new environment may be, it does not erase the past for the child; there will still be residual feelings as a result of their past experience. Winnicott sees no short cuts to a resolution. The child is expecting that the adult’s feelings of hatred will lead to rejection, because that is what has happened before; when the hatred does not lead to rejection and is tolerated instead, it can begin to dissipate.
无论新环境如何充满爱，都不能消除孩子的过去；由于他们过去的经历，仍然会有残余的感觉。温尼科特认为没有解决的捷径。孩子期待着成人的仇恨情绪会导致拒绝，因为那是以前发生过的事情；当仇恨没有导致拒绝，而是被容忍时，它就会开始消散。
Healthy hatred
Even in psychologically healthy families with children who have not been displaced, Winnicott believes unconscious hatred is a natural, essential part of the parenting experience and speaks of “hating appropriately.” Melanie Klein had suggested that a baby feels hatred for its mother, but Winnicott proposes that this is preceded by the mother hating the baby—and that even before this, there is an extraordinary primitive or “ruthless” love. The baby’s existence places huge demands on the mother psychologically and physically and these evoke feelings of hatred in the mother. Winnicott’s list of 18 reasons why the mother hates the baby include: that the pregnancy and birth have endangered her life; that the baby is an interference with her private life; that the baby hurts her when nursing, even biting her; and that the baby “treats her as scum, an unpaid servant, a slave.” Despite all of this she also loves him, “excretions and all,” says Winnicott, with a hugely powerful, primitive love, and has to learn how to tolerate hating her baby without in any way acting on it. If she cannot hate appropriately, he claims, she turns the feelings of hatred toward herself, in a way that is masochistic and unhealthy.
健康的仇恨
即使在心理健康的家庭中，孩子没有流离失所，温尼科特也认为无意识的仇恨是养育经验的一个自然的、必不可少的部分，并谈到了 "适当的憎恨"。梅兰妮-克莱因（Melanie Klein）曾提出，婴儿会对其母亲产生憎恨，但温尼科特提出，在这之前，母亲会憎恨婴儿，甚至在这之前，还有一种非同寻常的原始或 "无情的 "爱。婴儿的存在在心理上和生理上对母亲提出了巨大的要求，这些要求唤起了母亲的仇恨情绪。温尼科特列举了母亲憎恨婴儿的18个原因，包括：*和生产危及她的生命；婴儿是对她私人生活的干扰；婴儿在哺乳时伤害她，甚至咬她；婴儿 "把她当作人渣，一个没有报酬的仆人，一个奴隶"。尽管这一切，她也爱他，"排泄物和所有"，温尼科特说，有一种巨大的、原始的爱，她必须学会如何容忍对婴儿的恨，而不以任何方式采取行动。他说，如果她不能适当地憎恨，她就会把憎恨的感觉转向自己，以一种受虐狂和不健康的方式。
Therapeutic relationship 治疗关系
Winnicott also used the relationship between the parent and child as an analogy for the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client. The feelings that arise in a therapist during analysis are part of a phenomenon known as “countertransference.” Feelings that are aroused in the client during therapy—usually feelings about parents or siblingsare transferred onto the therapist. In his paper, Winnicott described how as part of the analysis, the therapist feels hate toward the client, though this hate was generated by the patient as a necessary part of testing that the therapist can bear it. The patient needs to know that the therapist is strong and reliable enough to withstand this onslaught.
温尼科特还用父母和孩子之间的关系来比喻治疗师和客户之间的治疗关系。治疗师在分析过程中产生的感觉是一种被称为 "反移情 "的现象的一部分。在治疗过程中在当事人身上引起的感觉--通常是对父母或兄弟姐妹的感觉，会转移到治疗师身上。温尼科特在他的论文中描述了作为分析的一部分，治疗师如何感受到对当事人的仇恨，尽管这种仇恨是由病人产生的，是测试治疗师能否承受的必要部分。病人需要知道，治疗师足够强大和可靠，能够承受这种冲击。
A realistic approach 一个现实的方法
While some of Winnicott’s ideas may appear shocking, he believes we should be realistic about bringing up children, avoiding sentimentality in favor of honesty. This enables us as children, and later as adults, to acknowledge and deal with natural, unavoidable negative feelings. Winnicott is a realist and pragmatist; he refuses to believe in the mythical idea of “the perfect family” or in a world where a few kind words wipe away all of the horrors that may have preceded it. He prefers to see the real environment and mental states of our experience, and asks us to do likewise, with courageous honesty. His ideas did not fit neatly into one school of thought, though they were hugely influential, and continue to impact on social work, education, developmental psychology, and psychoanalysis around the world.
虽然温尼科特的一些想法可能看起来令人震惊，但他认为我们应该现实地对待抚养孩子的问题，避免多愁善感，支持诚实。这使我们作为儿童，以及后来作为成年人，能够承认并处理自然的、不可避免的负面情绪。温尼科特是一个现实主义者和实用主义者；他拒绝相信 "完美家庭 "的神话般的想法，也拒绝相信在一个世界里，几句好话就能抹去之前可能发生的所有恐怖。他更愿意看到我们经历的真实环境和精神状态，并要求我们也这样做，勇敢地坦诚相待。他的思想没有被整齐地纳入一个思想流派，尽管它们具有巨大的影响力，并继续影响着全世界的社会工作、教育、发展心理学和精神分析。
It seems that an adopted child can believe in being loved only after reaching being hated. Donald Winnicott
似乎一个被收养的孩子只有在达到被憎恨的程度后才能相信被爱。唐纳德-温尼科特
